i love my husband. i love my kid. do i sometimes wish we had a big wedding? sure, do i sometimes wish there had been flower girls and bouquets and fancy drinks and dancing? yeah, but the one thing i do wish more than anything is that i had thought to grab my wedding dress out of my mothers house before she kicked me out. i dont mean the one my mother wore on her wedding. that thing never would have fit my big fat boobs. no i actually had bought a wedding dress for myself long before i met the man who is my husband. why? because 1. i wanted to buy it and i had the money for it that i earned myself. 2. i wanted to buy it myself, just me, no one else because it was the one solitary part of my life that i had 100 percent control over. i couldnt keep people out of my car searching for things, i couldnt keep my mother from sending brother to check on me at work to make sure i was actually there (yeah that was a thing that happened, more than once) i couldnt force them to include me. but i had control over my bank account, over my money, and my dream of what my dress on my day should be. was it a bit silly to buy one when i wasnt engaged? yeah, but i know im not the only one out there so who cares. and it was my hard earned money. i saved and saved and saved every single dollar that went towards it. imagine being told your whole life that you are worthless, that the clothes you pick dont look good, that you are the spitting image of your father and thats a bad thing. you have nothing, you have no value, and then imagine, you get a spark of an idea, you could have something for your future that is all you. no one else saying it does or doesnt make you look good. you can get this one thing for your future that is all you. you have the power! you have the control! you can do it! and so you do. of course you are found out because nothing and no place is off limits. she finds it, she cusses you out, she takes away that spark, but still the dress hangs there, reminding you that you did what you wanted. even if it was a a silly thing, for once in your life, you have something that you and only you decided on. to realize that it took 23 years to find the courage to do one thing for yourself and not feel guilty about it is both rewarding and depressing. 23 years of someone else saying be this and not this, do this but not that, think this way, dont do this... and then one day, things explode. you work late at your job. until 1 am, cleaning the store, getting things put away, washing dishes, mopping floors. your supposed to take the trash out, but its late, the dogs are asleep in the garage, and you are so tired. you dont do it, you go to bed, planning to get up early before the trash men get there. you dont get up, your body aches and you want, need, desire sleep. she come sin, screaming that you forgot the trash, threatening to dump it all over you and your bed and make you lick it off your sheets (yeah that happened too) she says she wants you gone, that day, she doesnt care where you go, she doesnt care if you die. she wishes you were dead. everything youve heard for 23 years over and over again. youre worthless, youre ugly, youre stupid. youre lazy. she leaves for work. so you pack. your dog of course, a few pairs of tennis shoes, some pants, a few shirts, other clothes. you leave. youre gone. you go to the only place you can think of, to the people you were raised to hate. they take you in, feed you, give you a bed. you are welcomed like a prodigal daughter.... you forgot the dress in your haste. that one garment that was a touch of freedom. the first thing you ever bought just for you and no one else. the dress you sweated and bled for. Its gone. graduation dresses online

Mother says she got rid of everything that was left in my room, my blankets, the rest of my clothes, my dolls id had since childhood, a special dress i wore in kindergarten for graduation,... my wedding dress.

the only reason i even have a few photographs from my room was because my mother thinks its taboo to throw away pictures. well, pictures that mean something. i never saw my signed ghost hunters picture again or any of the books i left behind. i never saw my wedding dress again. thats the one thing i would do over about my wedding day to jared. i would have had a proper wedding dress. but in a way, it;s okay. ive taken more steps since that day. i have found family i thought lost forever, and gained far more than i lost. i miss the books i had and the family heirloom jewelry that i am sure to never see again. a bracelt given to my great grandmother on the day she was engaged for example. that cant be replaced. a dress is, in the end, just a dress. if loosing it is the price i have to pay to be free from the abuse, then i will pay it and do so at least with some amount of acceptance.

i did go online and track down the dress i had bought. i remember the feel of the fabric, the design of the beads, the label. so, for your viewing pleasure, here is a picture of the dress that helped me really see, for the first time, that i wasnt worthless. that I was beautiful. inside as well as out. Thank you David's Bridal , all you did was stock a dress that made one very lonely girl feel very special, but it meant the world to me, even if i only had it for a short time.
and thank you Jared Jenkins , Herschel Donald Moore , Lisa Pauline Strickland-Moore , Kyle Moore Sarah Thomas , Stephy Sipes , Betty Rose for being the family i never thought i deserved. I love you all